"No More Questions!!" - A Mother's Day Post
In some ways these last two weeks in Costa Rica have been some of the best opportunities in family unity/parenting boot camp. When you’re together 24/7 you become acutely aware of what builds you up and what tears you down, very quickly!
It started on the ferry ride headed for the jungle cabin at La Tigra rainforest where we were staying for the next 3 nights. Our kids being 10, 8, and almost 6 you can imagine the kinds of questions
“How long is the boat ride?”
“When will we get there?”
“Where is my waterbottle?”
“Where’s the bathroom?”
“Can I color?”
“Can we get ice cream?”
“Was that a whale?!?”
And multiply that x3! (I’m sure parents of 2++ children can identify) You start to feel like your children are viewing you as a vending machine for answering questions!
So, Jamison and I put our heads together to start the conversations with the kids addressing this. Because we want curious children who ask questions! That’s how anyone learns anything and how the BEST conversations happen- people asking good questions. It’s a balancing act. The dialogue with the kids started something like this:
“Mommy is like a bank. When you ask questions, it’s like taking money out of her bank. Which is okay, but eventually she’s going to run out of money! How can you put money back into her bank to keep her from getting empty? By kindness towards each other! Or by verbal affirmation, or gratitude!”
We’ve built on this basic foundation of the principle of deposits and withdrawals over the last few weeks with them, and just the simple idea that time together is never neutral. We’re either building each other up or being taxed. Why does it seem there isn’t any middle ground?! Maybe that’s just being a human.
We started a game on the ferry that day called “No questions for two hours!” And there would be a treat at the end if they could do it! The children very quickly realized just how many questions they asked. There was a grace period where we pointed out “that was a question!” but eventually someone would break the rule and we started the two-hour timer over. It took 8 hours before reaching the goal! But it got it engrained in their little brains the amount of time they spend asking questions and it encouraged them to think through meaningful conversation that wasn’t “when will we get there?” Is this just a phase for my kids or are all kids this way at every age?!
I realized early in the trip that I found myself feeling “Oh, I just can’t wait for bedtime!” which kind of broke my heart when I realized that was happening more often than I would like. My mom was a really good mother, not to not take away from that, but the times I went to bed as a child knowing that I was in trouble or had just fought with a sibling and had been sent to bed in a hurry, stuck with me in some ways. I remember it being sad, and I don’t want my kids going to sleep sad.
I think one cause for the heart behind this “can’t wait for the end of the day” mentality is that we’re not training our kids how to interact with us in a manner that let’s them into the process of how their actions affect us as the parent. And the heart behind how we approach this topic with them 100 percent matters. I realized very quickly I could steer into guilt tripping territory with them, and no one has ever changed because someone was nagging them to!
I told my offspring “I do not want to look forward to bedtime. I love spending time with you and it makes me sad when we don’t have more conversations that are just talking and enjoying each other! I love that you guys are curious and have lot’s of questions, but I don’t want to feel like all I’m good for is answering questions. Because I know that’s not how you feel about me.” *enter hugs and kisses*
These are big, honest, raw truths that I never realized how life changing it could be for my day to day life to simply start lovingly pointing how “that question wasn’t necessary” or a kind “I know you want to understand, but you don’t have to because you don’t need to know right now.” There is a simple trust that can come from letting mommy make the day-to-day decisions and calling the shots, that brings them along as my companions and fellow inmates, that follow in trust and love.
These are just some of my thoughts on the topic as it stands right now, I’d love to hear your thoughts and insight and maybe we’re missing a piece of this conversation, which I’m sure we are! But in light of Mother's Day, I thought this could be a fun uplifting conversation to start having with your kids, and one that hopefully fills their cup and yours!